Have you ever caught yourself doing the very thing you promised you'd stop doing, whether it's people-pleasing, shutting down, overthinking or reaching for your phone at 2 a.m., and thought, "What is wrong with me?" I'd like to offer you a different question. What if nothing is wrong with you at all? What if that habit was once a stroke of genius?
Why do we keep repeating habits we know aren't good for us?
So many of the patterns we struggle with as adults were invented when we were very young. As children, we didn't have many choices. We couldn't leave, set boundaries or ask for what we needed in grown-up ways, so our brilliant little brains came up with strategies to survive. Maybe you learned to stay quiet, to make everyone laugh, to stay one step ahead of other people's moods, or to disappear into your imagination. Those strategies worked. They kept you safe, and that is something to be grateful for.
The trouble is that those strategies are based on a child's brain and a child's world. You've grown, your life has changed, and those old techniques just don't work anymore. But because you've been practicing them your whole life, they've become deeply grooved habits that show up automatically, especially when you're stressed, scared or grieving.
Meet your genius kid self
In my work, I often invite clients to picture the younger version of themselves who first came up with a particular pattern. Not with judgment, but with real tenderness and even a little awe. That kid was trying so hard to keep you alive. That kid deserves a thank-you.
And then, gently, we can say: "Thanks, but no thanks. I understand why I do this, and I'm going to try something new today."
It sounds simple, and in some ways it is. It's also one of the most powerful shifts I've witnessed in twenty years of practice. When we stop fighting ourselves and start understanding ourselves, change becomes so much more possible.
When old patterns return during grief
Grief has a way of waking up our oldest survival strategies. When we lose someone we love, we can suddenly find ourselves back in patterns we thought we'd outgrown, like isolating, staying busy so we don't have to feel, or taking care of everyone except ourselves. If this is happening to you, please know it's not a step backward. It's your genius kid self showing up to protect you in the only ways it knows how. You can thank them, hold them close and still choose a gentler path forward.
How to practice "thanks, but no thanks"
Notice the pattern. Simply catching yourself in the moment, without scolding, is a huge first step.
Get curious. Ask yourself when you first learned to do this, and what it was protecting you from.
Say thank you. Out loud, in your journal or silently in your heart, thank your younger self for working so hard.
Choose something new. Try one small, different response, like taking a breath, asking for help or going for a walk.
Practice, practice, practice. Our brains are elastic and change throughout our lives. Neurons that fire together wire together, so every small new choice helps build a new pathway.
Tools that can help
Meditation and visualization can help you meet your younger self with compassion. Art and journaling can give that part of you a voice. Ketamine-assisted psychotherapy can sometimes soften old patterns enough that we see them from a whole new vantage point. And therapy offers a safe relationship in which to step outside of fear and try something different.
Frequently asked questions
Is this the same as inner child work?
It's closely related. I think of it as befriending the younger parts of ourselves and honoring the wisdom behind the ways they coped.
Can I work with you on this remotely?
Yes. I offer therapy, grief support and ketamine-assisted psychotherapy by telehealth to adults in Virginia and Oregon, and in person in Nelson County, Virginia, near Charlottesville.
Try something new today
If you'd like support in meeting your own genius kid self, I'd love to hear from you through my contact page. And if you'd like a gentle weekly practice, my Meditation Club includes guided visualizations, art and playlists to help you keep choosing something new.